'Savages'

You ever just really wanna go to the cinema, no matter what's on? More often than not, afterwards, you know you just wasted 106 minutes of your life that could have been invested in, oh, I dunno, your tax return or a root canal at he dentist.

Cue the new Oliver Stone film 'Savages'. Set mostly in California, the film follows two drug dealers, but they're good ones, you know, they're really handsome and do charity stuff in, like Africa, and last but not least, they're American. When they refuse a deal with a Mexican drug cartel, who want in on their business, coz their stuff is really crap, shit hits the fan, plot-wise and, I'm afraid cinematographically as well. Disguised as gardeners (!) those Mexicans are a murdering bunch, who, more often than not wear dirty clothes. Benicio Del Toro is particularly bad, dressed in T-Shirts that carry the greasy remnants of the last lunch-burrito. Racial stereotypes, anyone? But, no, assures us Stone, this is all in the name of depicting the war on drugs and the savagery that is inherent in the business.

As if aware of this stereotyping shenanigans, Stone desperately wants to introduce some redeeming features. Salma Hayek, as the reina of the cartel, really is a big softie once her mother-instinct kicks in. Yes, she murders people for a living, but look, she really doesn't want her daughter involved. AAWWWW, it's all good!

Then there's the love interest, or blonde plot-device as I like to call her, in the form of Blake Lively, yes, yes, the one from Gossip Girl, who really is a bit of a greedy bastard as she not only sleeps with one of the guys, but both of them. But it's all really lovey-dovey, but you know how people are: They don't understand these bohemian youngsters. Don't get me wrong, faced with the numerous shots in which the two hunks have their top off, I don't blame her one bit, if I didn't have the over-bearing voice-over shoved in my face constantly: 'Chon is cold like metal, Ben is warm like wood'. COME ON!!! and it's all like really deep, right?

Anyway, Barbie is kidnapped by the evil Mexicans and kept as a continued guarantee for Chon and Ben's cooperation. Good thing Chon is an Iraq veteran who knows shit about building bombs and the like, whereas Ben is the smart one, who, unfortunately has to give up his decency in favour of lighting people on fire. Well, you really can't have it all! Otherwise we'd all be going into the drug business willy-nilly and, then, where would we be? Someone needs to keep making Cappuccinos.

So, waiting to be rescued, Barbie is kinda tortured by Benicio Del Toro, who must have really thought at the film première: Fuck! How did I go from 'Traffic' to this? She then forms a weird relationship with Elena, the queen, and explains to her how her rich mother never really had any time for her. Elena, being the ruthless drug-bitch that she is, really sympathises. 'I could be your daughter' Ophelia brokenly whispers into the CCTV camera in her prison cell and, Bob's your uncle, she's out of prison and in the guest-house in the Tijuana mansion.

Then there's John Travolta, a corrupt cop who's playing all the angles. So, he's switching sides quicker than a naïve country girl in a gay bar in London, and it all works out. You don't mess with the Travolta. Pay attention! Coz this is the really controversial bit Stone subtly shoves in your face with a sledge hammer! In the American war on drugs, corruption often keeps the upper hand. Of course, all the Mexicans end up dead or in prison, while the Californian excuse for a ménage-à-trois heads off to a beautiful beach in Indonesia. What? I'm spoiling the ending for you? You never got the point of this review then, which is: Do not, under any circumstances, even under the threat of Benicio Del Toro coming to your house, disguised as a gardener and force-feeding you Tacos, go and see this film!

Don't even get me started on Stone's mise-en-scène! If I see another colour-tinted or black-and-white shot of clouds racing across the sky, I will personally swim to L.A. and beat Stone up. The whole film is interspersed with shots of wild animals in the sun-drenched desert, yes, exactly, like in Natural Born Killers, but its all to do with the savagery in human nature, you see. It's kind of a big deal in this film, but in the name of the whole human race, I'd like to apologise for the symbolic abuse that all those coyotes had to suffer at the hands of Oliver Stone!

Stone was never a brilliant film-maker, let's face it. But, here, his obsession with the media really goes through the roof. As such, the gangsters Skype, text and probably update their Facebook status in the lines off: just taking this guy's eye out, then off to have a ham sandwich!

At least, the title's appropriate: This film really does bring out your savage side! As such, as soon as a release date comes out for a new Oliver Stone film, call your dentist! Coz you just found the date for your next appointment.